Me ‘N My Zombie Tee
[Written in March 2011 while crossing the Atlantic]
Here’s why my best friend is awesome: she gave me a zombie hunting t-shirt for Christmas. It’s no secret that I’ve got a healthy (?) fascination with all things zombie, and a t-shirt that says, “Intramural Zombie Hunting League” on the front, is covered in zombie hand prints and adorned with my last name on the back… wellsir, in my world that’s a perfect gift. Lookit this thing:
When I opened the present, I shrieked in both delight and horror. Hannah presented it to me as something I could use on the ship, and I could not fathom such a thing of beauty getting filthed up. “That’s why I got it for you!” she said. Her mother declared that with such a shirt, people would run screaming from me and/or think I’m a lunatic. I scoffed. If anything, I thought, these are the things that might happen: 1. People give me high fives and we proceed to discuss zombie movies; 2. People ask me, “what the eff’s up with your shirt?” and I slap them heartily across the face, or 3. I am deemed Queen of the Picton Castle on account of my super sweet tee.
You know what I didn’t foresee? The thing that actually happened, that’s what. I waited until we set sail to break out the zombie tank, in celebration of a voyage in motion. I strutted on deck with my be-splattered frock, waiting for the accolades to rain down upon me. Instead, silence. You know why? BECAUSE EVERYONE ELSE IS COVERED IN PAINT, TOO. To the crew, I was just another paint job gone awry. A few people asked me what I was painting in red. A couple others pointed out that I had a handprint on my boob. Eventually the scant few zombie inclined on board mentioned that I look like I’ve been in a zombie fight, and I practically asked them to marry me.
Since those early days, I’m proud to say that my zombie tee is now decorated with tar, other shades of paint, grease and more tar. These are the markings of a deckhand hard at work; with no discernible future in zombie hunting, I’ll be happy to walk away with that title instead.
PS: Just a friendly reminder to put some thought into your zombie escape plan if you haven’t already.